All Growed Up

Over the last half decade I have always wondered, in the back of my mind, when the moment would come when I finally feel like an adult.  It hasn’t happened yet.  I used to think it would come after I graduated from college.  Then I thought it would come after I got a Real Job.  I thought it might come when I fell in love, or when I had my own place, or financial freedom.  I have experienced or achieved all of those things, but the moment has not yet come.

I do feel older, I suppose.  I understand how a 401k works.  The ideas of a budget or planning (and paying) for a vacation now seem familiar.  I am more responsible than I used to be, but that is more a function of making my own way in the world.  Paying bills, doing taxes, holding a steady job, realizing that sometimes we have to subsume desires for duties.  I know true depression and heartbreak.  I know the joy of love and the happiness of having true friends.  None these things have left me feeling as though I am all grown up.

There are so many things that have not changed though.  All the silly emotions, desires and follies are still lurking under the nine to five life I live.  I still make mistakes I would tell a younger me to steer clear of.  I still find myself occasionally wasting an afternoon on the simple joys that don’t seem adult.  And the best part is this does not bother me.

The longer I have been an “adult”, the more I realize there will be no moment when it all suddenly clicks into place.  Perhaps having a child will do it, but somehow I think that may not change things.  After all, of all my friends who have had children, they seem younger on the whole than the rest of us.

It seems to me that becoming an adult is a mindset we use to box ourselves in and limit the “what ifs” in life.  We call people free spirits and refer to people who act youthfully young at heart.  What comes to mind when year someone described as dour or frumpy?  I have given up on growing up.  Don’t take this to mean I support kidults (a horrendous term) or the shirking of things we must do!  By all means we must be responsible and considerate and emotionally mature.  There are some advantages to knowing what children do wrong!  But moving forward, let’s forget about growing up.  Instead just grow, period.